View Full Version : Funny Stuff
:lol: Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is
the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So why is the groom wearing black?"
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo
factory. The personnel manager explains her duties,
and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the
personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman
comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is
backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager
down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.
At the end of the line is the new employee. She has
a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big
bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little
piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and
starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.
After several minutes, he pulls himself together,
walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I
guess you misunderstood me yesterday.
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles." :blink:
eagle4ever
10-26-2003, 05:33 PM
A lonely spinster, age 70, decided it was time to get
married.
>
>She put an ad in the paper that read:
>
>HUSBAND WANTED
>MUST BE MY AGE GROUP (70's),
>MUST NOT BEAT ME,
>MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
>AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
>ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
>
>On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
>
>She opened the door and, much to her dismay,
>saw a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.
>
>He had no arms or legs.
>
>The woman said, "You're not really asking me to
>consider you, are you?
>Just look at you ..... you have no legs."
>
>The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on
you!"
>
>She snorted. "You don't have any hands, either!"
>
>Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
>
>She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you
>still good in bed?"
>
>With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile
>and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
beatrice
10-26-2003, 05:39 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol:
SaleenS7lover
10-26-2003, 06:47 PM
ARE YOU A LATINO? HOW CAN YOU TELL FOR SURE?
1) If you have ever been hit by a "Chancla"
2) If you grew up scared by something called "El Cucuy"
3) If others tell you to stop screaming when you are really just talking.
4) If you light a candle to Virgin Mary on the night before your big test
5) If you use your lips to point something out.
6) If you constantly refer to cereal as "con fleys".
7) If your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you for dinner, even if it's a one bedroom apartment.
8) If you can dance merengue, cumbia, or salsa without music.
9) If you use "margarina" instead of olive oil and can't figure out why your butt is getting bigger.
10) If you have at least thirty cousins, not including loco Julio working at "Mc Donalds".
11) If you are in a five passenger car with seven people in it and a person is shouting "subanse, todavia caben!"
12) If whenever you feel under the weather, you compulsively dab on some "vapor rub" all over your chest and inside your nostrils.
13) Your mom packs your "lonchera" every day even though you've just turned thirty-two.
14) If you call the North Americans "gringos", including Canadians, and call all Asian people "chinos" or "chinitos". AND you call the corner store "the chinito store."
15) If your favorite heroes were "El Chapulin Colorado" or "Cantinflas".
If you don't need any explanations, you know you are truly a Latino!
^_^
That one was hilarious..... Very funny, I hope others contribute... Keep the funnies coming guys... Its fun to read!!!
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
MONEY SPENT
Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00
TOTAL $21.00
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check
for $50 .00
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,
drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
process.Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
back yard instead of taking it to be recycle!
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.Re-shovel oily dirt
into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening
drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
MONEY SPENT
Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
TOTAL -- $4165.00
BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT
:rolleyes:
beatrice
10-28-2003, 04:53 PM
:D :D
beatrice
10-28-2003, 04:54 PM
:lol: :lol:
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one
of her students. The teacher asked,
"Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.
My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter
than she is! I think I should be in third-grade too!"
The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer
office, the teacher explained to the principal what
the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy
a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The
teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions
were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought
a third-grader should know. The principal looks at the
teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the
third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer....)
Harry: "A Coconut."
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum."
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down
and dog do on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get
me up. I get wet before you do." Who am I??
Harry: "A Tent."
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first." What am I??
(Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)
Harry: "A Wedding Ring."
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When
you blow me, I feel good." What am I??
Harry: "A Nose."
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver." What am I??
Harry: "An Arrow."
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put his butt in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself."
a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. Sir, she said," You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.! When powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he was in a hospital. As soon as he opened his eyes, a nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.. What happened?" he exclaimed.
"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
Men NEVER listen.
A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud
voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is
just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman
3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler,
and
5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in
karate and a very bad attitude!
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that
joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; "Nah...not
if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and
down the aisles. The sales girl notices him
and asks him if she can help him. He answers
that he is looking for a box of tampons for his
wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of
cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
Confused, she says, "Sir, I thought you were
looking for some tampons for your wife?
"You see, it's like this," he replies,
"yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get
me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with
a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause
it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
So.. I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she.
In The Airplane Rest Room"
[Two voices - male and female - on a plane.]
"I think everyone's asleep, lets go."
[Sound of steps.]
"This one's empty ... no-ones looking ... you go
in first."
"It a bit cramped - let me sit down."
"Have you got the protection? Quick - put it on."
Sniff, sniff...
"Ah perfume - you think of everything."
"This is great ..." (long sigh)
Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.
"This is the captain speaking, to those two people
in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and
it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom
off the smoke detector!"
This driver goes to pick up the Pope at the
airport, puts the luggage in the boot and gets
in to leave, then he notices that the Pope is
still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver,
"Would you please take your seat so we can
leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the
Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican,
and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd
lose my job! And what if something should
happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning. "There might
be something extra in it for you," says the
Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as
the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver
quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it,
accelerating the limo to 105mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried
driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal
until they hear sirens. "Oh, wonderful. Now I'm
really gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the
patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at
him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the
radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the
dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him
that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief. "I don't think we want
to do that - he's really important," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"The Governor?"
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I think it's God!"
"What makes you think it's God?"
"Well, He's got the Pope driving for Him!"
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip
just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and
severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about
2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my
wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm.
I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom
that night. The next day, I talked to the children
and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom
when the storm was bad but when I was expected
home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and
the children picked me up in the terminal at the
appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone
had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's
arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting
for their arriving passengers. As I entered the
waiting area, my son saw me and came running
shouting,"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I
waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
Alex shouted, "Nobody slept with Mommy while you
were away this time!"
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the
waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me and
then searched the rest of the area to see if they
could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He
approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big
boobs!"
You know you're living in 2003 when...
- You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
- You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
- Your reason for not staying in touch with friends that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
- When you go home after a long day at work you sometimes answer the
phone
with your business "greeting".
- When you make calls from home you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to
get an outside line.
- You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
- You learn about loosing your job on the 11 o'clock news.
- Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
No Sex on Noah's Ark"
"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice.
"There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the
wetting of the tips of your penises. All of you males,
take off your dicks and hand them to my sons. I will
sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see
land, you can get you dicks back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's
cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said "Get on
my shoulders and look out the window to see if there
is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the
window. "Sorry, no land yet."
"Darn!" and out went Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with
him.
"What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for
forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained
will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so
excited every day?"
"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face
as he held out a piece of paper. "I GOT THE DONKEY'S
RECEIPT!"
IDIOTS IN SERVICE
This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked,
"Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him,
"Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it,
they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason:
"too many deer were being hit by cars"
and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
"What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
Ramon
05-11-2004, 09:43 AM
I think we should keep this one going.....
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous blonde walks by and the man gets an erection. The woman notices and comes over to him and says
"Did you call for me?" the man replies "No. What do you mean?" she says "You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the
swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down he farts. Within minutes a huge hairy man lumbers out of the steam room towards him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No. What do you mean?" It's a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him
around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and keep the $500.00 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't even had the chance to see all of our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day !
I'm outta Here."
elek_trik
05-27-2004, 11:35 AM
http://www.cs.utsa.edu/~grobert/godkills.jpg
da_jackal
05-28-2004, 07:51 PM
LOL so it was cus of you my cat died. :P Oh well.
Eagletx21
05-28-2004, 07:57 PM
Originally posted by da_jackal@May 28 2004, 08:51 PM
LOL so it was cus of you my cat died. :P Oh well.
:lol: :unsure: :o :ph34r:
elek_trik
05-28-2004, 08:25 PM
http://www.cs.utsa.edu/~grobert/fluffy.jpg
lightwav
06-01-2004, 08:42 PM
Hate to be the party pooper folks but...
Please keep it clean, we have younger folks in the forum too :)
lightwav
06-01-2004, 08:42 PM
Forum Rules (http://www.eaglepassonline.com/forums/index.php?act=boardrules)
LOL@jackal!!!! too funny... Thank god I dont have any cats...
Unfortunately we have to remember to keep this forum clean, there are minors that come in...
Lightwav, is there any way to have some sort of security for those who singed up that can read any type or rating... I know it sounds like too much... but an Idea would be like Yahoo... where u cant go into somewhere if your profile says ur under age...
BTW, thanks elek trik for the IMAGES, they are cute and funny.
Rene
HEBclient
06-20-2004, 12:10 AM
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
> > Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
> >
> > Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
> >
> > Older Woman: Oh, I see.
> >
> > Officer: Can I see your license please?
> >
> > Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
> >
> > Officer: Don't have one?
> >
> > Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
> >
> > Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
> >
> > Older Woman: I can't do that.
> >
> > Officer: Why not?
> >
> > Older Woman: I stole this car.
> >
> > Officer: Stole it?
> >
> > Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
> >
> > Officer: You what?
> >
> > Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want
>to
> > see.
> >
> > The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
>calls
> > for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
>officer
> > slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
> >
> > Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The
woman
>steps
> > out of her vehicle.
> >
> > Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
> >
> > Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
and
> > murdered the owner.
> >
> > Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
> >
> > Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.
> >
> > The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
> >
> > Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
> >
> > Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is
quite
> > stunned.
> >
> > Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
>license.
> >
> > The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands
>it to
> > the officer.
> >
> > The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
> >
> > Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a
> > license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up
>the
> > owner.
> >
> > Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
AZURE
06-25-2004, 08:55 PM
MASTERCARD WEDDING
You gotta love this guy.....
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at
Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even
jayLeno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the
reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to
the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many
fromlong distances, to support them at their wedding. He
especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to
thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give
everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of
everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He
said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex
with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks
earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just
standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple
of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned
to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the
marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately
after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with
the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge... making
the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and
reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in
front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church
bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends.........................$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the
occasion...........................................$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui......................................$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man.......... Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else
there's
MASTERCARD.
:D
lightwav
06-25-2004, 09:19 PM
That's pretty damn funny.. :P
AZURE
06-26-2004, 05:37 AM
http://www.subservientchicken.com/
you just have to see it! :wacko:
Blonde Hostage
A blonde woman and a red-headed woman are taken hostage by terrorists. The
women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad. But first, the terrorists ask the red-headed woman if she has any last words.
The red-head points and says, "Twister!" The terrorists ran in all different directions and the red-headed woman gets away.
When they realize what has happened, the come back and to where the blonde woman is still standing, and they ask her if she has any last words. She points and says, "Fire!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his
drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,
cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I
guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon
as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about
women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I
eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: SEX MYTHS
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business, the Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African-American men are the best endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. I'm sorry" she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I would take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I would take it and pour it into the river."
Then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I would take it and pour it into the river."
His sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood and, with a smile, he cautiously announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365...'Shall We Gather At The River.'"
Smile - life is much too short not to do so!!
THIS IS A NON-PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY
BOTH REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS,
SINCE IT'S TRUE OF BOTH PARTIES
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose were to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted
Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, "PIG!".
Man yells out window, "B-TCH!".
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
Moral: If only men would listen.
Martha's Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!
Martha's Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine's Way
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Maxine's Way
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's Way
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up".
Maxine's Way
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!!!!"
Martha's Way
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine's Way
Celery? Never heard of it!
Martha's Way
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine's Way
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust; so I don't.
Martha's Way
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine's Way
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!
Martha's Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine's Way
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
Martha's Way
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine's Way
Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO !!!!!
Maricela
08-11-2004, 04:22 PM
:D Subject: Tide
:lol:
Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my
surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people. :P
Maricela
08-11-2004, 04:24 PM
UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT
>Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
>your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this
>story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to
>have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife
>to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
>The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
>On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
>under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of
>underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
>Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
>quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
>place. Upon standing, she glanced across the hood and found herself
>looking at her husband who was standing idly by.
>The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
lightwav
08-11-2004, 04:26 PM
Ahhhhh.....
A little unhappy with the male portion of the human race are we? :blink:
lightwav
08-11-2004, 04:28 PM
My last response was for your first reply :)
The second post of yours was too funny.. HA HA HA :P
Maricela
08-11-2004, 04:29 PM
They are just jokes.
BlueCollar
08-12-2004, 04:34 PM
:lol:
lightwav
08-12-2004, 06:00 PM
Originally posted by Maricela@Aug 11 2004, 05:29 PM
They are just jokes.
So was mine :P
eagle4ever
09-13-2004, 03:55 PM
The Smoker, the Alcoholic and the Homosexual
>
> Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss
> their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one
> was a Homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If
> any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
>
> The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never
> again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway
> for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The
> Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop
> himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a
> shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar
> when he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
>
> His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously
> they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came
> upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground still burning.
>
> The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you
> bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
HA!HA!HA! Pretty good eagle!!
Here's another one:
There was this illegal alien that was crossing into the US when he gets caught by the Border Patrol. He tries to convince the BP to let him go. The BP tells him that he will let him go if he can make a sentence using the colors green, pink and yellow. Well he agrees and says he will have no problem doing that so he says, "When the phone goes green, green, then I pink it up and say "yellow!"
eagle4ever
09-13-2004, 09:40 PM
jjjajajajajaja that was hilarious :lol: :lol: :lol:
A man and a woman, who have never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired
and fell asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 a.m., he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm
sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me
a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're
married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
BlueCollar
09-28-2004, 12:43 PM
HAHAHA! that was good one mena. hahaha.
I cant remember a single one.
That's ok. I was going thru some acct. stuff and stumbled into this old email I had. I figured we can all have a laugh from our stressful days.
eagle4ever
09-28-2004, 06:19 PM
SING ALONG :D
"I Will Survive"
At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches
Lord I almost died,
But I'd spent oh so many years
just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong,
And I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are,
Another lie,
I was ready for a big mac and you've bought me a French fry,
I should have known that it was bullshit,
Just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no anaconda
lurking in those jeans.
Go on now go,
Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4,
Weren't you the dumbass to think I wouldn't catch you out,
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count.
I will survive, I will survive,
Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex with a handful of latex,
I will survive, I will survive. . .hey . hey
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud,
But to hell with all your ego's and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin for a cordless multispeed,
(Chorus) I will survive! I will survive!
'Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive!. . .Hey! Hey!
Boy eagle4ever I almost peed in my pants laughing!!!! That was a good one!!!!! :D :D :D :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
BlueCollar
09-28-2004, 07:30 PM
LOL! :lol: :lol: :lol: \
Great one! eagle4
Wow. Good family entertainment. :lol:
lightwav
09-29-2004, 12:22 AM
One of the things I swear by in my day to day business operations is to promise less to the customer and deliver much more than they expected.
Maybe this could be applied in other areas besides business.
HE He He :P
eagle4ever
09-29-2004, 03:51 PM
Subject: Driving in Dallas
First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is
DAL-LUS,or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ
Freeway. Next, if your Mapsco is more than a few weeks old, throw it
out and buy a new one. If in Denton County and your Mapsco is one day
old, then it is already obsolete.
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its
own version of traffic rules..."Hold on and pray".
There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in
Dallas. They all drive like that.
All directions start with, "Get on Beltline"...which has no
beginning and no end.
The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is
from 3 to 7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting
line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid
crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.
Construction on Central Expressway and I-30 is a way of life
and a permanent form of entertainment. They had sooo much fun with that
they have added George Bush Turnpike and the High Five to the mix.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh we're
in Fort Worth!"
If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a
factory defect. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.
All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of
way. Period.
Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road,
Marsh Lane, Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road...all mysteriously
change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples).
The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road. On the south
end it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it
becomes Plano Road, go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave,
Ave K, and Highway 5. It ends in Sherman, NOT Plano.
If asking directions in Irving or SE Dallas, you must have
knowledge of Spanish. If in central Richardson or on Harry Hines,
Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on
Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed.
A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four
hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds
of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85.
Anything less is considered downright sissy.
The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff and Fair Park is not
ornamental.
It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of
EAST NORTHWEST highway. Don't let this confuse you. The North Dallas
Tollway is their daily version of NASCAR. It also ends in Sherman.
LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and
"trap."
If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. If
it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going
on. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf
Classic is in the second round if it is Spring-and it is the Texas State
Fair if it is Fall.
If you go to the Fair, pay the $5.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park.
Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees,
parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park
in his 'yard', run over him.
Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports,
etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so
as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.
Final warning: Don't Mess With Texas Drivers!
lightwav
09-29-2004, 11:41 PM
Wow! That's right on!
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.
Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.
Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget
the blessings that come each day.
Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*
Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short
desdemona88
10-06-2004, 04:50 PM
Ay Mena you made me crack up.. thanks! :P
BlueCollar
10-07-2004, 12:50 PM
LOL, good one mena.
eagle4ever
10-11-2004, 09:33 AM
Married Buddies
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other
and says, "You know, I don't know what to do. Whenever I go home after
we've
been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the
driveway.
I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off
before
I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the
bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me
for
staying out so late!
His friend looks at him and says, "It's all in the attitude, buddy.
You're
obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam
the
front door, storm up the steps, throw my clothes on the floor, jump
naked
into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'WHO'S HORNY?' and she acts
like
she's sound asleep every time.
eagle4ever
10-11-2004, 09:38 AM
Nosey neighbor
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair,drinking
beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this
that she came over and shouted at me,
"You should be hung."
I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam
from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and stared
directly
at this nosey azz
neighbor and then calmly replied,
"I am, that's why she cuts the grass."
desdemona88
10-12-2004, 02:39 PM
too damn funny.... :P
ipanic2
10-12-2004, 06:35 PM
that was a good one!!!!
The Cat in the Hat On Aging
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh my God what can I do???
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad-can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden years can kiss my ___???? :huh:
:o :lol: YOU GUYS ARE TOO FUNNY!!!
EMILY SUE PASSED AWAY AND BUBBA CALLED 911. THE 911 OPERATOR TOLD BUBBA THAT SHE WOULD SEND SOMEONE RIGHT AWAY.
"WHERE DO YOU LIVE?" ASKED THE OPERATOR.
BUBBA REPLIED, "AT THE END OF EUCALYPTUS DRIVE."
THE OPERATOR ASKED. "CAN YOU SPELL THAT FOR ME?"
THERE WAS A LONG PAUSE, AND FINALLY BUBBA SAID, "HOW 'BOUT IF I DRAG HER OVER TO OAK STREET AND YOU PICK HER UP THERE?" :P
Gotta teach Bubba how to spell. :unsure: :lol:
BlueCollar
10-13-2004, 09:25 AM
LOL! good one AAA
:lol: :D :lol: Good One!!!!!! AAA
memories
10-13-2004, 09:12 PM
If you want a laugh...check this out! :lol:
Florida is ready for 2004...Florida's New Voting Device :D
http://www.markehrlich.com/humor/floridasn...otingdevice.htm (http://www.markehrlich.com/humor/floridasnewvotingdevice.htm)
lightwav
10-13-2004, 09:14 PM
That's funny!
Just something to think about. I received this along time ago and wanted to share it.
SLOW DANCE
Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,"hi"
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.
TRUE FRIEND TEST!!!!
>
>Friend: calls your parents by mr. and mrs.
>Best friend: calls your parents dad and mom.
>
>Friend: has never seen you cry
>Best friend: has always had the best shoulder to cry on
>
>Friend: never asks for anything to eat or drink
>Best friend: opens the fridge and makes herself at home
>
>Friend: asks you to write down your number.
>Best friend: they ask you for their number
>(cuz they can't remember it)
>
>Friend: borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
>Best friend: has a closet full of your stuff
>
>Friend: only knows a few things about you
>Best friend: could write a biography on your life story
>
>Friend: will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing
>Best friend: will always go with you
6 REASONS NOT TO MESS WITH A CHILD
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The
little
girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human;
it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to
heaven I
will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to
hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's
work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what
the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher
paused
and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a
beat,
or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a
minute."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several
strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She
looked at
her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs
white,
Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something
wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl
thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how
come
ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how
nice
it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's
Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small
voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher,
She's
dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing
upright in
the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little
fellow
shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The
nun
made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is
watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of
the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written
a
note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
1.There are at least two people in this world that you would die
for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is
because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even
if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go
to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something
good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on
you, take a look
11.Always remember the compliments you received. Forget
about the rude remarks.
NEVER HAVE REGRETS!!!!
eagle4ever
10-15-2004, 09:09 AM
HONESTY OF DRUNKS
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a
quart
of milk, a carton of eggs, juice and a package of bacon. As she was
unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk
standing
behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the
cashier.
He
said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, looked at
her
four
items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about
her
selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how on earth did
you
know that?"
The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier'n shittt."
sifuzhenz
10-15-2004, 09:23 PM
][]
CLUES A WOMAN SHOULD CALL IT A NIGHT...
> >
> >1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
> >
> >2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt
> >while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
> >
> >3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly
> >believe I could do it too.
> >
> >4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy
> >Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
> >
> >5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor (which I'm eating though
I'm
> >not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
> >
> >6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo
much.
> >
> >7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
> >
> >8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next tome.
> >
> >9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
> >
> >10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing
> >or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
> >
> >11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep
> >them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
> >
> >12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
> >
> >13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just
> >lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
> >
> >14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen
> >floor.
> >
> >15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the
WRONG
> >WAY but..."
> >
> >16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
> >
> >17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
> >
> >18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be
> >standing) and take a quick nap.
> >
> >19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down
> >on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.
> >
> >20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm
> >having problems walking straight.
> >
> >21. I start believing that everyone in the room wants to see my boobs
runk stuff :lol:
PHEDRE
10-20-2004, 10:51 AM
lol this is from one of the forums i used to belong to but its still the best post ever in my book...lengthy but good :P The first post was rules for women...you actually may have seen it since it was circulating pretty well at the time but our responses are original.
RULES FOR WOMEN
res. rebutal
mirazh. rebutal to rebutal
********************************************************************
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up; you need it down. You don't hear us crying about you leaving it down.
Res..#1 if u leave it down we go splash, if we leave it up ur looking at it...u figure it... out we trust u not to be so dumb.
Mirazh...A...More important things in life to stress over other than a ******Censored, please refrain from using profanity on Eagle Pass Online. We would like everyone to enjoy the forums including children. Thanks!****** toilet seat...whoever leaves it whatever way....DEAL WITH IT!!!
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
Res..#2 birthdays,Valentines, and anniversaries .... your chance to earn sex
Mirazh...B...Earn SEX?...I can PAY 4 SEX???...i could take this one much farther but I'll let the imagination take over for ya'all.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Res..#3 we dont expect you to think about us 24/7 after all there is the trash to be taken out... yard to be mowed and that new raise to get so you can buy us the perfect birthday gift. Just dont tell us about it if your thinking about other women
Mirazh...C...Hummm ok...if its not you we don't have to think about its the thoughts in your head we're supposed to pay attention to other than you....is'nt this the same?...repeat...LIVE WITH IT.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Res..#4 you go bald shut up "live with it" u dont see us getting back hair either so u have no ground to stand on
Mirazh...D...Well honestly...who gives a ******Censored, please refrain from using profanity on Eagle Pass Online. We would like everyone to enjoy the forums including children. Thanks!****** bout this question.....not important...next
1. Crying is blackmail.
Res..#5 crying is blackmail... good blackmail dont ******Censored, please refrain from using profanity on Eagle Pass Online. We would like everyone to enjoy the forums including children. Thanks!****** us off and you wont have to deal with the re-proccusions
Mirazh...E...so what ...cry your eyes out try to exicute the re-proccusions...your the one that the bully the ass-hole.......GEt GET GET GET GET OVER IT!...or live with your decisions the choice is yours.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Res..#6 hell no its more fun to watch you lose your mind trying to figure it out
Mirazh...F...Well with me you try this....I just pretend I know nothing about it...untill ...you ask 4 it.....I don't want to figure out what you want...I want you to figure out how to ask for something..the right way.
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
Res..#7 get your own calender and hide it, thats what we do
Mirazh...G...Guys this one is getting quite old...why would'nt someone remember the time of year....stop acting like you are in some cave somewhere...and get a grip on the time and dates...******Censored, please refrain from using profanity on Eagle Pass Online. We would like everyone to enjoy the forums including children. Thanks!****** dudes even my lazy ass can remember that ******Censored, please refrain from using profanity on Eagle Pass Online. We would like everyone to enjoy the forums including children. Thanks!******.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Res..#8 thats actually a trick question, your supposed to tell us everything looks good on us but dont phrase it that way or even when you pay us a compliment we'll ******Censored, please refrain from using profanity on Eagle Pass Online. We would like everyone to enjoy the forums including children. Thanks!****** how you dont really care. take a second... notice... thats all we want... besides arent you born with some degree of common sense? after all we wont let you walk out of the house with one black sock and one white.
Mirazh...H...ok agreed...but there is a five minute limit on these sorts of conversations per day.......you should get a grip on how you look with your clothing and such after awhile.....and if you can't then that means your spending to much damn money on cloths!..always changeing your ******Censored, please refrain from using profanity on Eagle Pass Online. We would like everyone to enjoy the forums including children. Thanks!******!...stop buying stuff..WE HAVE BILLS DAMNIT!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Res..#9 yes.... for the simple minded. (see how more impactful that is than simply yes?)
Mirazh...I...Was there a question here...????...I don't get your responce?...this is a question I'm typeing though.....See what a real qusetion is now....comments are reserved for those who wish to be mean people.....keep it simple AND NICE!...yes or no. Thank you
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Res..#10 just learn to accept that when were thirsty we dont want you to fetch us a glass of water, we want you to tell us you feel our thirst. Then you can get the water, or do you want us to start crying?
Mirazh...J...what!...what a ******Censored, please refrain from using profanity on Eagle Pass Online. We would like everyone to enjoy the forums including children. Thanks!****** waste of time....This is not Fantasy Island...you want water I'll get it you got a problem I'll try to help out...your want sypathy I'll Do that too...Just get to the point..refer to Mirazh F.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Res..#11 guts that lasts 17 months, or men that last for 17 seconds are the real problem
Mirazh...K...OK this one is a bad one....Now lets remeber people...Ladies in particular...SEX is meant for FIRST AND FORMOST..REPRODUCTION....second...Love makeing...you reverse these two you will be disappointed keep it in the order I stated. In the begining of time people in the begining of time.....imagine how it was.....now look at all the other living creatures on this planet and imagine that...get the picture...ladies?
1. Check your car's oil! Please.
Res..#12 if we did that...wouldnt you feel useless? a little secret here we can open any jar or bottle, with out these little tasks you guys feel de-masculated
Mirazh...L...what...self-sufficiency please....this is not a joke..this is serious...esp if your car stalls out somewhere.....One can't be more clear than that...change your oil!...its pure and simple.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
Res..#13 survival of the fittest
Mirazh...M...more like survival of the asses......you want to live in the past fine......don't get pissed if you get left behind...that is "survival of the fittest"
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
Res..#14 see response to rule #8 we always look good... "sexy"... "gorgeous"..."amazing"..."*gasp* breathtaking" ect.
Mirazh...N..."Figure" it out....I'm not saying a word.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Res..#15 see responses to rules 6 and 5, hint: in this case there IS another problem... get to the root of it, "whats really bothering you honey?", at least act interested and worried
Mirazh...O...Comeing from a POSITIVE ANGLE HERE!!!...i'd say its best TO BELIEVE THAT ONE IS BEING ACTING on good motivation......don't rip words apart.....He's here for you and he will most likely be for the rest of yours and HIS life....make it good......don't get weird n ******Censored, please refrain from using profanity on Eagle Pass Online. We would like everyone to enjoy the forums including children. Thanks!******....men are good/nice people too.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Res..#16 ditto
Mirazh...P...ditto but remember..how to do it...and why your doing it are two diffent things....refer to Mirazh L.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Res..#17 its not like action films have plot........lol (do women really talk alot during movies?)
Mirazh...Q...Assumption make an ass outta FIRST you...then me....who said this was an action film.....no-one asks you crap when your watching your Lifetime network channeln drama films....We respect people and wait to interupt them at the Correct times.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
Res..18 thats right do in the car what u do in life go in circles, and wonder around like an idiot.
Mirazh...R...Huh...Christopher Columbus was an idiot. I have plenty of photos online that show how women get in the car and drive and park!...pretty scary stuff. Don't make me post them.....GUYS just get the ******Censored, please refrain from using profanity on Eagle Pass Online. We would like everyone to enjoy the forums including children. Thanks!****** map off Yahoo or something and put an end to this one.
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is.
Res..#19 a lovely shade of purple with a bit of pink but not like puice
Mirazh...S...whatever.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
Res..#20 yeah and if u could lick your balls and ass ud do that too... doesnt make it attractive
Mirazh...T...ok...who the ******Censored, please refrain from using profanity on Eagle Pass Online. We would like everyone to enjoy the forums including children. Thanks!****** cares about being "attractive" 24/7...not me...I'd probably start going crazy If I did and start wearing makeup n ******Censored, please refrain from using profanity on Eagle Pass Online. We would like everyone to enjoy the forums including children. Thanks!****** just to cover that little darker patch of skin on my ******Censored, please refrain from using profanity on Eagle Pass Online. We would like everyone to enjoy the forums including children. Thanks!****** shoulder...PLEASE...being "attractive" is not important 24/7..esp when the ******Censored, please refrain from using profanity on Eagle Pass Online. We would like everyone to enjoy the forums including children. Thanks!****** ITCH COMES!
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
Res..#21 try harder, funny we always manage too
Mirazh...U...Assumption again...women try harder more than men...see the pattern here fellas...Ladies we are equal...if you can read my mind prove it...if you can't then don't expect us too..again Fantasy Island is not real.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
Res..#22 neither is taking our clothes off for you 80% of the time. You stop caring and we'll stop putting out. ok deal.
Mirazh...V..."We know you are lying" Fellas never admit to that!....then.....make the ladies refer to Mirazh F....getting to the point..next
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Res..#23 aye that one goes both ways
Mirazh...W...Liveable.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Res..#24 ok kewl were goin to your office party and im wearing an over sized pink Mu-Mu with my hair in matching rollers. wont your friends be impressed! Take a little pride in our appearance after all you are lucky to be going any where with us at all.
Mirazh...X...shes got us there guys.....give her those five minutes a day please..I don't want to goto work looking at my bosses wife in a MUMU...good point.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Res..#25 im always game for talking about trucks, big trucks and bigger trucks. But what the hell is a shot gun formation? some sort of oral method?
Mirazh...Y...Res...your not a comon breed.....most would change the subject quickly to something else....3 minutes for our thoughts....45 minutes for the ladies thoughts after they rudely changed the topic of discussion...don't trick me RES.
1. You have enough clothes.
Res..#26 Never!!
Mirazh...Z...Fine just remember Five mins a day is all your getting for opinions on your dress-ups.
1. You have too many shoes.
Res..#27 Blastphemy!!!
Mirazh...A.1...Five minutes......
1. No, you really do have too many shoes.
Res..#28 then build us a closet organizer to confirm yourself
Mirazh...B.1...We will and again..FIVE MINUTES!
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Res..#29 dont forget the lotion!!! it gets lonely out there in the wilds
Mirazh...C.1...I take my lotion everywhere already. Pfffftttt get a clue....it is not about the sex with you or any chick....pffffttt
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
Res..#30 men ******Censored, please refrain from using profanity on Eagle Pass Online. We would like everyone to enjoy the forums including children. Thanks!****** about us losing our figures after having they're
children. at least we have an excuse... just why do you trade your sixpack in for a keg again? beer is one thing beer bellies are another
Mirazh...D.1...This is not an important topic.....Love the one your with....in sickness and in health till death do us part.
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2004
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!".
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun... Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
:lol: :lol: :lol: Hey, Rene..I was headed to bed early. I haven't used my computer for most of the day. I was on my way to shutting it off and figured I check the site before doing so. I noticed your funny post and just had to grab my chair and finish reading it. I just wanted to let you know it was nice to have a laugh before bed. Thanks, Rene. Welcome back. :D
This was sent to me....
As I was retrieving a shopping cart in ***-mart yesterday particularly unkempt, unattractive and mean spirited woman who actually reeked of body odor pushed me aside.
Shoving past me, the woman snarled at her kids, almost knocking another older lady down, grabbed the first cart and swung it around hitting an older man working there as one of the ***-mart Greeters .
As she pulled the cart away from the Greeter's stomach, in a kind and calming voice the Greeter, while gesturing towards the two children said to her, "Are they Twins?"
Glaring at him she snapped back saying, "No you old fool, the brat's 9 and the little witch is 7, are you so blind you think they look alike?"
"No replied the Greeter calmly, "I just couldn't believe you got l*** twice.
zunzune
09-20-2006, 02:26 PM
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
Ándale...that is what many adults should do. That was funny. Kids, kids gotta love 'em.
zunzune
09-21-2006, 07:29 AM
Hell knows no fury like that of a woman scorned…or revenge either!
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam
cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man,
and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????
A plane is about to crash. There are 5 passengers and only 4 parachutes on board.
The first passenger says: "I am Ronaldo the best football player in the world. The football world needs me and I cannot die on my fans." So he takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger says: "I am Hilary Clinton, the wife of the former president of the US. I am the Senator of New York and I have a good chance of being president of the US in the future." She grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane.
The third passenger George W. Bush says: "I am president of the US, I have huge responsibilities in the world. Besides I am the smartest president in the history of my country and can't shun the responsibility to my people by dying." He grabs a pack and jumps off the plane.
The fourth passenger the Pope says to the fifth passenger, a young school boy. "I am old. I have lived my life as a good person as a priest should and so I shall leave the last parachute to you; you have the rest of your life ahead of you."
To this the little boy says: "Don't fret old man... There is a parachute for each of us! The smartest president of America took my schoolbag."
zunzune
09-22-2006, 07:32 AM
:D Isn't that just like him!
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still
alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in
his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the
game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of
coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her
aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to
the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's
MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with
this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside
down."
zunzune
08-21-2007, 10:10 PM
That was a good one!
catlady
08-22-2007, 11:59 AM
I've been reading the jokes...some are pretty hilarious. Where do you guys get this stuff?
energy
08-23-2007, 07:23 AM
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the
sink.
4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few
minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. When confused remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES.
NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED
DOWN THE STAIRS.
energy
08-23-2007, 10:30 AM
DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING
Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly
and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Jim says, "I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You
better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
zunzune
08-27-2007, 10:00 AM
My friends got a good chuckle out of this one. :)
DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING
Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly
and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Jim says, "I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You
better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
energy
08-29-2007, 06:54 AM
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one ... "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is th at we' re all
together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your
mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too.":D
zunzune
08-29-2007, 11:46 AM
That could be any one of my brothers! Too funny!
catlady
08-29-2007, 10:03 PM
Relatives of a deceased millionaire are gathered to hear the reading of his will. Each one greedily considereing how much of the fortune he or she will get. Finally, the attorney reads the will. "I, John Fulton III, being of sound mind and considering that I could not take my fortune with me...spent it all!!"
energy
08-30-2007, 06:28 AM
After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my
favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I
approached, there in the window were a host of goodies.
I felt this was no accident, so I prayed . "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."
And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block,
there it was! God is so good!
Sounds like Eagle4Ever going to Mendoza's Bakery, hahahahahahahahhaha!:D
catlady
08-31-2007, 11:14 AM
God works in mysterious ways!!! Hahahahahaha!
energy
08-31-2007, 12:01 PM
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home
because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today.":D
HA!HA!HA! That will be my next excuse!!! :D
eagle4ever
09-02-2007, 07:16 PM
YEA,, SOUNDS LIKE ME....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....:rolleyes:
After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my
favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I
approached, there in the window were a host of goodies.
I felt this was no accident, so I prayed . "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."
And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block,
there it was! God is so good!
Sounds like Eagle4Ever going to Mendoza's Bakery, hahahahahahahahhaha!:D
zunzune
09-06-2007, 02:57 PM
Or Marquez Bakery for that matter. That could have been written for me. :D
energy
10-23-2007, 06:46 AM
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7 When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn
thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
catlady
10-23-2007, 07:53 PM
Ouch! A little aggressive for me!
energy
10-26-2007, 09:07 AM
A Crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the
secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to
inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does
not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200
million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church
to get rid of some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard
time?":D
gsgutz
10-26-2007, 11:15 AM
Check this out, go to the page and click on the video
http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09/may-i-have-this-dance.html (http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09/may-i-have-this-dance.html)
Check this out, go to the page and click on the video
http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09/may-i-have-this-dance.html (http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09/may-i-have-this-dance.html)
That is sooo funny.. thanks we enjoyed it..;)
The kids had a good laugh.:D
energy
01-11-2008, 09:15 AM
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quit his job and bought 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it was total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, there was a knock on his door. He jumped, then opened it; a huge bearded man was standing there.
"Name's Sam, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", said Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Sam was leaving, he stopped and turned. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," said Tom. "After 25 years in the alcohol business I can drink with the best of 'em".
Again the big man started to leave and stopped. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem," said Tom, warming even more to the idea. "I've been all alone here for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us." says Sam.
pesqueso
01-13-2008, 08:38 AM
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Wakita, Oklahoma. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and of a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the
Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.""I doubt it," said the truly proud Okie. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
zunzune
01-16-2008, 08:50 AM
Both of those were funny. Please please keep them coming.
pesqueso
01-16-2008, 10:51 AM
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but
were both married to other people, found themselves
assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell
asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke
the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but
would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a
second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damn blanket!'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
kurtmasur
02-01-2008, 03:59 PM
(Could you guys ever imagine that something like this would ever happen? HA! Those folks at The Onion sure have a wild imagination :) Make sure to click on the link below to check out the picture of Bush with the original article)
Bush Regales Dinner Guests With Impromptu Oratory On Virgil's Minor Works
July 6, 2005 | Issue 41•27
WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush delighted an intimate gathering of White House dinner guests Monday, regaling the coterie of dignitaries, artists, and friends with a spirited, off-the-cuff discussion of the Roman poet Virgil's lesser-known works.
"Ah, W. was in top form tonight," Spanish foreign minister Josep Pique Camps said. "We were all held captive by his erudition and charm. First, a brief history of the opium trade, then a bit of Brahms on the piano, then a rousing discussion of Virgil
That boy is a wonder, isn't he?"
According to guests, the subject of Virgil arose serendipitously, when a servant opened a window in the Red Room, to which the group had retired for after-dinner drinks. Noticing the breeze, Bush raised his glass and delivered a toast to the changing of the seasons. He then apologized to "lovely Winter," explaining that he "meant no slight against her."
"The first blush of Spring always reminds me of Virgil's words," Bush said. "In early spring-tide, when the icy drip / Melts from the mountains hoar, and Zephyr's breath / Unbinds the crumbling clod, even then 'tis time / Press deep your plough behind the groaning ox / And teach the furrow-burnished share to shine."
"Book One of The Georgics, of course," Bush added.
Bush arranged the small, informal dinner in honor of Camps' unexpected arrival in America.
"It had been too long since I'd heard one of W.'s anecdotes, so I simply got on a plane," Camps said. "I showed up at his doorstep with a watercolor by Ignat Bednarik, whom I know he adores, just to make sure he'd let me in."
Bush confessed that he has "long held a fascination with the classical world," noting that his love of Roman history influenced his decision to enter politics.
"Virgil was born in the year 70 B.C.—let's see, that would be during the consulship of Gnaeus Pompeius The Great and Marcus Licinius Crassus, if I'm not mistaken," Bush said. "It is said that while Virgil's mother was with child, she dreamt she gave birth to a laurel branch, which, upon touching the ground, sprang up into a full-grown tree, its branches laden with ripe fruits and flowers. The next morning, she gave birth to Virgil. The legend goes that Virgil was born without crying, so mild was his countenance."
According to White House regulars, it is not uncommon for Bush to engage guests in discussions of whatever subject strikes his fancy, from the symphony playing in the background to the history of a style of jewelry a guest happens to be wearing.
"I love to hear George hold court on this or that," said Bush family friend and world-renowned physicist Norberta Münter. "I tell him he is such a spoiled brat, the way he demands our attention, but I must confess I can't take my eyes off him when he does."
As the group sipped apple martinis and, in Bush's words, "recovered" from the Chilean sea bass, the president continued.
"Most primarily associate Publius Vergilius Maro with The Aeneid," Bush told guests. "Yet so much pleasure is to be found in his lesser-known works—The Eclogues, completed in 37 B.C., and The Georgics, in 30 B.C., both of which praise the idyllic rural life."
"You have to remember I'm a bit of a farm boy myself," chuckled Bush, referring to his 1,600-acre ranch in Crawford, TX.
"The Bucolics are my personal favorite," Bush said. "They were basically a thank-you to Asinius Pollio for preventing the seizure of Virgil's land by the Triumvirate when they ordered the lands on the far banks of the river Po distributed to veterans of the victory at Philippi. They are so sublime, so inspirational. But why should I speak, when Virgil can do so himself? And far more eloquently, I might add."
Bush then recited a selection from The Bucolics in the original Latin, pausing occasionally to translate into French out of respect for his friend Amélie du Maurier, a young Parisian concert violinist in attendance. Earlier in the evening, a blushing du Maurier admitted to Bush that she did not know Latin. Bush eased the young woman's embarrassment with a joke.
"I wouldn't be surprised if your father forbade you from learning Latin, out of sheer distaste for res publica," said Bush, alluding to du Maurier's ancestors' place in the ousted French aristocracy.
Despite urging from dinner guests to continue his Bucolics recitation, Bush declined.
"I have already taken up far too much of your valuable time with my classical nattering," Bush said. "I dearly wish I could give you back this hour during which you so graciously indulged my dilettantism, but, as Plautus said, 'Factum est illud, fieri infectum non potest.' Done is done, it cannot be made undone."
Source: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/31077
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real
notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spellings have
been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please
execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her
shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out
of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered
by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre
dyrea direathe the sh_ts.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea,
and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because
i don't know what size she wears.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We
thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her
funeral
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,
sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I
wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something
going around, her father even got hot last night.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids
zunzune
02-04-2008, 02:34 PM
Had I been the school administrator reading those, apoplectic would have been nothing short of a miracle. Those are hysterical.....and they weren't even part of the "no child left behind" class!
zunzune
02-04-2008, 02:35 PM
Maestro, I love "The Onion" and have for quite some time. That was way too funny. Thanks for the laugh.
LOL...http://i267.photobucket.com/albums/ii318/teufelsweib_album/smilies/_lol.gif Evie those were good.. man are u sure they are real... well never mind I don't doubt it...
catlady
02-04-2008, 06:33 PM
Evie those were hysterical1 Igess nau I understen the problims wit educashun! LOL!!!
Hey you all would be surprised at some of the things I have heard from parents here in Eagle Pass.:rolleyes:
zunzune
02-06-2008, 07:22 AM
Hey you all would be surprised at some of the things I have heard from parents here in Eagle Pass.:rolleyes:
I wonder what would happen if I tried that with chisquis.
She would disown you for sure!! :D
I got this in an e-mail. I thought it was hilarious, no offense to anyone.
I saw a billboard sign that said:
NEED HELP, CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787
Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower
catlady
02-06-2008, 07:43 PM
That was just great Evie! Loved it!
Here is one from teachers!!:D
I don't know if this is factual, but it certainly is funny.
These 12 are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers
in the New York City public school system. All teachers were
reprimanded but, boy, are they funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
meet them
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to
hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's I.Q. reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.
10. If this student were any stupider he'd have to be watered twice a
week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat
out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead
There was an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars but she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations' .
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.
zunzune
02-14-2008, 06:59 AM
Gotta hand it to you, those were funny! How was the movie and what did you watch?
Went to see Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins with Martin Lawrence. It was hilarious!!! I recommend it, for adults only though.:D
zunzune
02-15-2008, 01:08 PM
Went to see Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins with Martin Lawrence. It was hilarious!!! I recommend it, for adults only though.:D
I'm glad you enjoyed it. I think we are going to see the Spiderwick Chronicles. Chisquis read the book now wants to watch the movie.
panchozoy
03-03-2008, 05:22 PM
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and
put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
catlady
03-03-2008, 10:13 PM
That was really funny!!!
energy
03-07-2008, 08:01 AM
1. GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE :
Http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.Br/ (http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/)
Wait for the lady to appear, then .
2. WRITE YOUR FIRST NAME IN THE 1st LINE.
3. WRITE YOUR LAST NAME in the 2nd LINE (ignore email request)
4. Press the VISUALIZAR bar.
1. GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE :
Http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.Br/ (http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/)
Wait for the lady to appear, then .
2. WRITE YOUR FIRST NAME IN THE 1st LINE.
3. WRITE YOUR LAST NAME in the 2nd LINE (ignore email request)
4. Press the VISUALIZAR bar.
Shouldn't it be more like write a males name on the first line and write a females name on the second line. Well unless you are gay of course then it is the other way around.:D
panchozoy
03-11-2008, 07:42 AM
http://blogs.chron.com/handstamp/archives/2008/03/tejano_music_ra_1.html
hope it works for you. Read about the crazy things happening in H-Town.
energy
04-18-2008, 03:01 PM
Los directivos de una empresa de publicidad intentan averiguar por qué nadie se percató de que uno de sus empleados estuvo muerto sentado en su mesa, durante 5 días sin que nadie se interesara por él ni le preguntara qué le ocurría. George Turklebaum, de 51 años de edad, que trabajaba como revisor en una empresa de Nueva York desde hacía 30 años, sufrió un paro cardíaco en la oficina que compartía con otros 23 trabajadores.
El lunes por la mañana llegó a trabajar, discretamente, pero nadie notó que no se marchó nunca hasta que el sábado por la mañana el personal de limpieza preguntó qué hacía trabajando en fin de semana. Su jefe, Elliot Wachiaski, declaró: George siempre era el primero en llegar por la mañana y el último en marcharse por la noche, por lo que a nadie le pareció extraño que estuviera continuamente en su sitio sin moverse y sin decir nada. Un examen post mortem reveló que llevaba muerto 5 días tras sufrir un infarto Así que por favor, de vez en cuando dale un chi******** en la espalda a tu compañero y pregúntale aunque sea por su pi**** abuela. Si no te mienta la madre y ves que se cae de hocico, sospecha que ya se lo cargó la chi*****
MORALEJA... Ni a madres llegues primero, no seas el pe***** que se va al último y no te chi*****trabajando demasiado, porque... A NADIE LE IMPORTA UNA CHI*****!
La vida es como una obra de teatro que no permite ni un pi****ensayo...Por eso, canta, echa desmadre, ríe, baila, ama, mienta la madre de vez en cuando y vive intensamente cada momento de tu vida antes de que el telón te caiga de a madrazo, y la obra termine sin un pi**** aplauso
Trabaja para vivir; no vivas para trabajar'
Pásalo a la gente que se parte la madre a lo pe**** trabajando DEMASIADO y sólo recibe un p*** cheque sin recibir ni un pi**** gracias por su trabajo
zunzune
04-21-2008, 07:06 AM
That was pretty funny!
energy
06-06-2008, 01:53 PM
QUE CAUSA LA ARTRITIS
Un borracho que olía a trago por los cuatro costados, se sube a un ómnibus y se sienta con su roñoso bolso y un periódico viejo al lado de un cura.
Saca una botella con trago barato y se toma todo lo que queda de un solo trago. Satisfecho agarra el periódico y se pone a leer.
El cura finge que el borracho no existe y disimula su incomodidad.
Al rato, el borracho se le queda mirando al cura y le pregunta: Oiga Padre, ¿puede decirme qué carajo causa la artritis?
El cura, molesto, le responde de mal tono: Ciertamente la vida profana, el andar frecuentando mujeres mundanas, los excesos con el
tabaco y la bebida, en especial el alcohol; esas borracheras que terminan en noches de prostitutas y muchas más de esas basuras y porquerías.......
En la maaaaadre!!!, responde el borracho volviendo a su lectura.
El cura al rato, pensando en lo que le dijo al pobre infelíz, se arrepiente y decide disculparse, y le dice en tono comprensivo:
Disculpe usted, no quise ser tan rudo, hijo mío, pero. ¿Desde cuándo sufre de artritis?
Yoooo? nunca Padre... sólo estaba leyendo este artículo del periódico que dice que “ el Papa sufre de artritis desde hace varios años “.
zunzune
06-09-2008, 07:17 AM
That was absolutely hilarious! Thanks Flash!:D
energy
06-11-2008, 01:43 PM
EL HOMBRE descubrió el VIDRIO e inventó la BOTELLA.
LA MUJER tomó el VIDRIO e inventó el ESPEJO.
El HOMBRE descubrió la BARAJA y ahí mismo inventó el JUEGO.
LA MUJER agarro la BARAJA e inventó la BRUJERÍA.
EL HOMBRE descubrió la PALABRA e inventó la CONVERSACIÓN.
LA MUJER descubrió la CONVERSACIÓN y ahí mismo inventó el CHISMERÍO.
El HOMBRE descubrió el DINERO e inventó el COMERCIO.
LA MUJER descubrió el COMERCIO e inventó el CRÉDITO.
El HOMBRE descubrió las TRANSACCIONES y creó las TARJETAS DE CRÉDITO.
La MUJER descubrió las TARJETAS DE CRÉDITO y ahí la cagamos ...
El HOMBRE descubrió el TRABAJO e inventó el SALARIO.
LA MUJER descubrió el SALARIO y ahí la cagamos de nuevo.
EL HOMBRE descubrió a LA MUJER e inventó el SEXO.
LA MUJER descubrió El SEXO e inventó el MATRIMONIO y ahí la recagó del todo.
DESPUÉS DE ESTO, EL HOMBRE SE HIZO EL PENDEJO Y NUNCA VOLVIÓ A INVENTAR ALGO MÁS.
SaleenS7lover
06-11-2008, 06:32 PM
What's black and white and red all over?
A dead mime. :p
Whats black and white and Read all over???
A newspaper!
eagle4ever
06-12-2008, 12:43 PM
I KNOW , I KNOW..... A SKUNK THAT THEY JUST BEAT THE F*** OUT OF IN THE SUNSET ALLEY.
YAYYYY FOR ME :D
[quote=SaleenS7lover]What's black and white and red all over?
LMAOOOOO... nada que ver Girl! pero... then again, yuh could be that...
energy
06-18-2008, 07:07 AM
I KNOW , I KNOW..... A SKUNK THAT THEY JUST BEAT THE F*** OUT OF IN THE SUNSET ALLEY.
YAYYYY FOR ME :D
[quote=SaleenS7lover]What's black and white and red all over?
SIN SALIDA, SIN SALIDA, SIN SALIDA ESTA MI CALLEJON............
zunzune
06-25-2008, 08:31 AM
Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all i see is a chimpanzee begging for its life." - Dwight K. Schrute
energy
08-18-2008, 07:18 AM
Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics.
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
(You MUST read them aloud to really learn them)
English Chinese
That's not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great Fa Kin Su Pa
PASS IT ALONG. DON'T LAUGH BY YOURSELF
zunzune
09-03-2008, 09:03 AM
That was pretty good. It's taking a while for me to go back to some of these posts.
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